Is your life as dull and desaturated as an antidepressant medication ad? Do you find yourself listlessly looking through a window, staring not at the drab world outside but rather at your own reflection whilst wondering, 'how did my head get so bare? Where did my life go so wrong?'
I can not answer that question! BUT I, contagonist, can offer you the solution you have only dared dream of!
The UNUSUAL HERMES with Orbiting Planets!
This magnificent hat is guaranteed to repress your hat-deprivation related suicidal ideations for the duration of its usage!
But wait! There's more!
In addition to holding your hatless wrist slashing at bay, the UNUSUAL HERMES with Orbiting Planets also possesses the disturbing ability to make manslaughter and assault with a deadly weapon enjoyable... again! Just take a look at this incriminating evidence!
I'm sure you're asking, "Is the UNUSUAL HERMES with Orbiting Planets for real? Can it restore my hat affected sense of self-esteem and make murdering strangers halfway across the planet the delight it once was?"
The hell if I know. If your question was actually "Is this guy legit?" then I also have to answer "The hell if I know," but here's some links to help verify my existence and legitimacy as a budding digital hat vendor.
I am selling the UNUSUAL HERMES with Orbiting Planets for cold hard cash. Buyout was $150USD, but I 'm going to knock it down to $100 with an ultra-special Team Interrobang exclusive super-duper-33%-off discount.