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Ramblings of a Mad Man

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Cheers, TI. It's been a run so far.

If you're not the type for philosophical bullshit, then this isn't really your cup of tea.

So as some of you know last year, my Mom passed away at the ripe age of 54. A year and a half later, I'm still here and still indifferent. Quite an awkward proposition, to suppose that I wouldn't be bothered by a family member's death. (And a close one at that.) I've felt this way for a very long time. Indifferent, detached, disinterested. I'm not sure why I've come to be this way, but the contrast to who I used to be is what's baffling.

It was quite long ago, where I used to have unending enthusiasm, feelings of happiness and sincere care of those around me. Since I was 8, I was stricken the responsibilty of my Mother's care for her declining health. At some point, the enthusiasm turned into resentment. Then resentment turned into anger. "Why is it always me?" I would ask. "Why can't I be outside with the other children?"

Not that I ever really had friends. Or at least, I think I didn't. None that I can remember, anyways.

But it feels as if the burden of household chores, school, and caring for my mother that turned this apple sour. My brother got away with loading his chores on me, getting a high allowance despite doing almost no work. It was at that point I started rejecting everything. Companionship, love, even happiness. It was then that this emptiness formed which resides in me now. I may have a good laugh or a fit of anger. But it has been quite some time since I've felt happy, or even sad.

Growing up, I didn't really have an active childhood. Things like Christmas, Halloween and Birthdays. These came to mean very little to me when growing up. I had no childhood wonder of "What am I getting for Christmas?" Some years I hadn't received anything because my parents knew it wouldn't bother me as much as it would my brother. I'd become used to the disappointment of holidays, sacrificing what little pieces of it meant something to me so others could be happy.

Then around the time we moved to our new house, I stopped eating at the dinner table with everyone else. I always shut myself in my room until I had to come out because I wanted to avoid talking to anyone. I still do this now, where I don't speak unless I must.

I feel indifferent, agitated....

and I feel lost.

I've recently taken up meditating to come to this. It begs the question, "Is this the way I was meant to be?"

Or, is this who I let myself become?

- Lucas (Uber)


  1. Xemgoa's Avatar
    Deep and insightful.

    Hm, indeed. Is this who you're meant to be? Or is this how you shaped yourself? Fate or just a perspective on how to view life?